It's just all that...

I'm going to whinge. I apologise for this but i just wanted to put down how 13 months on the Dole has affected me.

I miss having a Job, i have to be honest and say that all the jobs i've ever had, bar one, and my paper-round when i was 15, were crap. Absolute crap.

But i miss so much not having a function, but what hurts the most is not being to hold my head high when with freinds and relatives (goodbye pride...), having to scrounge, and back out of buying a "luxury" costing more than three quid.

Dole, i think to be honest, is way short of survival money. Although i can just about survive, i really struggle with anything big: buying six months car tax last month was a killer.

And another thing that hurts, which perhaps makes me want to cry the most, is the condescending c***s on internet forums who say that you shouldn't be picky, you should volunteer every spare hour you have, there's work out there for those who want it, all unemployed are lazy Jeremy Kyle addicts who sit around in their pants all day, grow your own veg to save money, when all you want is a DECENT JOB, not a opportunity to land you in more shite by doing something you know deep down you'll be no good at, or another hobby, thanks.

Sometimes the strain feels like Geoff Capes trying to crush your skull with his bare hands, and that's no lie. I do wonder if unemployment is affecting my life and health a bit too much: i don't have a fridge (no money) so any food i have is either dried, tinned or brought hot and fried, so along with the strain of managing life on the dole, i guess this can't be doing my ticker much good.

The worry of who's going to get paid out of all the "where's our money?" letters from utility companies and the like, plus the crap food makes my intestines like a Hoover spin drier at times, leading to sleepless nights.

And i get angry these days, very short and sharp tempered which i worry about getting me in trouble eventually.

It was just something that troubles me, but i'm working on it:-)

I can see clearly now...

The rain has gone, well, not quite here as it's still p***ing it down...

I'm clearer of mind though. Last week was the pits for me for one thing or another and i genuinely thought "should i give up, should i be a professional claimer as this is what society thinks of me?"

Well, as you can guess from that, there was some rejections and desperate moments involving lack of money last week. I'm the sort of bloke who can put a positive spin on most things but last week took the biscuit to be honest. (Don't ask me about the quest for the electric top up, please...)

This week though, i'm a bit more positive, i don't know why and i will probably get that booted out of me by the jobcentre/training providers/agencies/potential employers/take your pick this week, but it's good to start the day on a positive note i guess.

Tomorrow?: Well, at 9.30 it's trivial sign on mystery time at the Jobcentre, as they pick over every last bone of what you've done to find work, even the trivial stuff like what papers you buy/read, after dinner it's a trip to the ever jolly agencies to find any work, (you've scraped together a fiver for diesel becuase your training provider wants to see evidence that you've looked for work so have to get a business card or headed notepaper) and then it's home, for Tesco Value super noodles for tea before i climb into my sleeping bag on the sofa because i can't afford a bed, ready to spend a full day at the training provider. Oh the joy. I feel like Victor Meldrew already...

The day after the night before...

Unemployment. It's a depressing thing to think about. Nobody wants you, work wise at least, and as those of you that are out there know, it can be a lonely, depressing episode. Writing about it can be tough, evaluating what you have and haven't done, and speculating why you are still out of work is, at times, a soul destroying business.

Hence the lack of updates so far over the last month. Apart from the bleak inward looking periods of recent times, i've also been busy with something else other than navel gazing and claiming dole.

Yes, i've been on some actual interviews: they were, to be honest, to my mind at least, were sucessful-i like to think that i gave it my very best on each interview, but i didn't get the girl, or the job in the end. One was for a warehouse job at a upmarket clothing catalougue in the UK's smallest county, and despite a grand tour of one of the most impressive buildings i've ever seen (their HQ) i just didn't get the job.

One other job had a "Britains got Talent" style contest. In the past, i was a Car Valeter. I'm not proud of a lot of things i've done in my life but i was a bloody good Car Valeter, so, locally a valeting job turned up-i've been on quite a few valeting interviews before, even trained chaps like me are ten a penny-that's why, if you look carefully in your Yellow Pages, there's so many one man Car Valeting bands, and to be honest, at the minuite, self-employment does not grab me.

So, the interview: Goes well, guy turns round and asks if i can clean a car, to show how i work, tomorrow, no can do says i, as i have another interview tomorrow and i don't want to be late for it (Car valeting is not a five minuite bucket and shammy leather job!) i explain this politely, and can we arrange another time?, ok says he, come back tomorrow and lets talk, so the next day, after the interview, i go down to the garage, try and arrange something with the secretary who informs me that they have potential valeters doing "trial" cars all week and the boss will get back to me if they have a suitable time date, and i'm still awaiting that call, nearly two weeks later.

Now, there's people out there of a Daily Mail bent who will say that i should have rung him back about fifty times to get a response and that nice Mr. Tebbit was right about getting on your bike and looking for work, eee i don't know, it's not like my Geoffery, 30 years in the civil service, there's work out there for those who want it etc, etc...but if he's got a person in each day to do cars, (the garage boss told me he was waiting until september to find the right person), then surely he's getting a lot of cars cleaned for free.

In retrospect, maybe i should have got off my arse and rung him fifty times, but c'est la vie i guess. We can only learn from our mistakes.

It's my last week of letternumberletter this week too. Those who have been on one of these courses will know very deeply how relieved i am to be finishing this. Nuff' said.